Eventually being so angry became very unhealthy, and I decided that I needed to find productive ways to defuse some of the anger. I still was unaware that anger would ever be considered a positive and appropriate emotion at times. One day I was attending a one-day workshop given by adoption therapist, adoptee and author, Marlou Russell called the “Lifelong Affects of Adoption”.

At the beginning of the workshop, we went around the room explaining why we were attending, our positions in the triad, and what we hoped to gain from her talk. I recall saying... more

As a child growing up within a traditional, middle class family in the South, anger was always considered a negative emotion. Anger was something that you were to make great efforts to avoid. Being angry was unpleasant to see in others, unproductive and even scary to me. Therefore, as I grew up, I tried to muffle my anger when it surfaced. This was sometimes difficult as I was a somewhat strong-willed child at times. I know, hard to believe, right? However, mostly I was successful in wearing a broad happy-looking smile on my face the majority... more

Did your parents tell you not to cry when you were a child? If you did cry, did they ever allow you to cry, or did they always feel that they needed to stop the flow of tears by diverting your attention?

Along with my change of heart about anger, reunion also changed my opinion about crying. More pointedly my opinion changed about letting others see you cry, and whether crying is positive or negative. Just as I felt it was not appropriate to show anger, I felt that it was not good to let others see you cry. I have since decided that at times,... more

For adoptees, there may be a need to forgive your birth mother for the decision that she made so many years ago. Even if your adoption and life have been happy and fulfilling, you may still have felt some effects from being relinquished. Yes, you may have some anger. Birth mothers who have educated themselves about adoption may understand your anger. However, it may puzzle some birth moms that their children are angry.

Most birth mothers relinquished their children wanting the best for them, and believing that adoption was the best, most loving... more

Many of the fathers of babies relinquished in decades past were quite young themselves. Although some may have made some attempts to be helpful and supportive, most had minimal ideas of exactly how and what they should do. Birth dads differ just like birth moms.

Even those birth dads who tried to find ways to help avoid the adoption option failed due to their youth and immaturity. For others, their coping skills may have led them to flee the situation out of fear. Some men were just plain irresponsible and uncaring individuals. I believe this... more

Forgiving others for their lack of real knowledge about adoption is a necessary step towards healing at the time of reunion. Anger is one of the steps that most people in reunion pass through. Some people remain stuck forever with the anger, and others have bouts of anger, but mostly have conquered their anger.

After you have passed through the anger stage in healing, forgiveness is the next logical step. Unless and until you are able to forgive your parents and other trusted advisors, your anger may plague you and affect every relationship... more

Forgiveness is a huge issue to tackle at reunion. Many birth mothers have more than one person to begin to forgive at the time of a reunion. A crucial step in recovering from the wounds of adoption during reunion is finding ways to forgive, not only others, but yourself.

For birth mothers from the infamous “baby scoop” era, when adoptions were at an all time high in the United States, there may be a fairly extensive list of people to forgive. Particularly for those women who were pressured into relinquishing, this list could be quite lengthy.... more

The five stages of reunion healing go hand in hand with the five stages of grief.

I had searched for my natural family for 2 years before I found a grave. It was a bitter sweet time for me. I felt relief as I found my natural mother after my long and frustrating search. After standing at her grave on that cold winter day I tried to resume to my life as if nothing had happened at all. There were some powerful emotions brewing inside me during this time. It is this time period that I was denying that I had found a grave and denied that... more

The ninth stage of grief is hope. This is when every now and again you get a little glimpse of hope in one experience or another. The cloud of grief starts to break up and light comes through.

Grief can last for a few weeks to many months to years. No two people are the same and we don’t know how long grief is going to last and no two losses are identical. Some may not express their feelings and don’t seem to need to. Some struggle with the various stages within themselves and don’t want others to help them with their grief. On the other hand there are some who need... more

Guilt is the sixth state of grief and if the emotions are misunderstood you can be miserable for years or you may experience a variety of physical symptoms of distress. It is important to face the feelings of guilt and not be afraid or embarrassed to talk about our feelings.

The seventh stage is anger and resentment. This is when you may be more able to express strong feelings of anger and resentment. This is a normal but if allowed to take over can be harmful but they are normal and can be overcome. When we have something precious taken away from us we inevitably go through... more