In adoption reunion, have you ever found yourself turning to someone in your life and saying "If you loved me you would" or ending an argument with "don't worry about me". If so, are you using guilt as a weapon? Using guilt as a weapon may get you what you want in the short term, but it is a dangerous tactic that will undermine your relationship with your natural mother, child, sibling, spouse or significant other.

Using guilt destroys intimacy by making love conditional. If you manipulate someone with guilt you are telling... more

As I said in my previous blog, the seven core issues in adoption effect all triad members. This blog is going to focus on these issues and the natural mothers.

The first is loss and this is something that ruminates about the lost child for the natural mother. The initial loss merges with other life events and can lead to social isolation, changes in body and self image. There is also the relationship losses between the natural mother and their child relinquished to adoption and even between the natural mother and natural father.

The... more

The experiences of adoption triad members are all different but there are some feelings and issues that all triad members have in common through out the course of their lives. It is important to recognize these similarities. In this 3 part series of blogs, I am going to try and point out how each triad member is effected by the seven core issues of adoption.

For adoptees the first is loss and how that effects the adoptee is it is a fear of ultimate abandonment, loss of their biological, genetic and cultural history as well as issues of holding... more

The child you relinquished to adoption is no longer your child. Many still though torture themselves with the pain of guilt and doubt. It is human to do that but are you being fair to yourself?

By loving your child you have loved deeply and that says that you have a deep capacity for love that many do not. Basically, natural parents are good people. Should that goodness not be recognized instead of inflicting the pain on yourself for what could of, would of, or should of have been done.

The adoptive parents have welcomed... more

Guilt is a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I do everything I could? Did I wait too long? If only I had not had unprotected sex. If only I had realized the consequences. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had listened to my parents. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. These are just... more

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and our selves.” ~ Sidney and Suzanne Simon

Is everyone the kind of person capable of forgiving? I think that most of us would like to think that we are but are we really? Is forgiving sometimes hard and feels like a closed door instead of an open door inside our... more

I have talked about the loss in adoption. The natural parents lose their child, the adoptee loses their biological connection and the adoptive parents lose of hope of a biological child. I truly believe it is important to acknowledge and validate these loses in adoption and go through the grief process.

Some triad members deny that they have experienced a loss. I use the analogy of a drug or alcohol addicted person. In the drug addict or the alcoholic, they don’t see that they have a problem. There are triad members that do say that being adopted... more

My finding a grave at the end of my search is what truly inspired me to spend time helping triad members with their adoption issues, more specifically with search assistance and educating them about the issues that come along with adoption search and reunion. When I started my search I attended a support group meeting regularly and met a lot of adoptees and natural parents. After searching for 15 months, I attended my first adoption conference and then continued to attend both after finding a grave. What I learned was that I was not alone in my pain and... more

One day, Tony confessed that he didn't like being the skeleton in someone's closet. He didn't like being the object of shame. With this, I was faced by a choice: I could, in essence, lose my son a second time to shame and society's approbation, or I could choose differently this time, claiming my son and his place in my life.

Recently, I have commented on how I sometimes long for lighter subjects. You know...funny comments made by my children or cute things that they have done. Many of our bloggers have young children, and... more

Last night, my husband and I had a conversation where I shared a fear that I have with him. His response was that fears are based on assumptions and used the analogy of your in the woods and fear a lion….you assume the lion is going to attack so that is why you are afraid. I had no response and have been mulling over this thought process ever since.

I think what he was trying to say is that I had to figure out is determine what my fear is based on. You can’t beat what isn’t real and you can’t overcome what is real if you won’t admit... more