For a birth mother in reunion, all sorts of remarks will be offered once you volunteer the news that you have been found or found your child. One of the main reasons I never told anyone that I was a birth mother until reunion was my fear that people would reject me once they heard my "secret." All in all, I was fortunate to receive lots of support and few insensitive comments.

Here are some of the ways and comments nearly guaranteed to stir up reunited birth moms and set their blood boiling:

1. One of the all time favorite comments made... more

When a natural parent has lost a child to adoption she may feel guilt, shame, bitterness, anger and depression. You may feel that you found out too late that adoption did not deliver its promise to keep you free from difficulties and trapped you with a burden to silently bear.

One thing about the adoption community is that we all have thoughts about what our lives would be like if adoption hadn’t touched us. The thing is that within the adoption community we all seem to know each others feelings and where they have stemmed from.

Some... more

Recently, I wrote about the loss of my dear friend Nathlie. This entire weekend I couldn’t stop thinking about her. So as I am dealing with my own personal experience with grief I thought that I would write about grief. One of the things that I realized this weekend is that grief isn’t simply a mental condition. It is a sadness that affects our physical and emotional selves.

My grief experience has been with finding a grave or the loss of a couple of close friends and family members through the years. I think that with every loss that we experience... more

The vast majority of adoptees are not yet legally entitled to their records. There is a movement underway in many states to require, among other restrictive measures, that adult adoptees (whether age 21 or age 71) obtain the written consent of their adoptive parents to request the opening of their own adoption records. For non-adoptees, this could be likened to a requirement for the written permission of your parents to request a copy of your birth certificate, to apply for your original medical records, to register to vote, or to apply for a passport.... more

It was only when I obtained my "non-identifying information," which contained (among other more relevant information) my birth weight and size, that I discovered some of the physical and emotional deprivation this separation from my family and my history had caused. I had not known the existence of a basic physical need for answers residing silently and unknown within me my entire life, until that need was partially met. I wept with joy at the minuscule bit of data I had obtained, and dreamed that night of meeting a baby girl, hugging and being hugged by her... more

When I learned that someone other than me was also searching for Mary, the information raised the possibility that I have a sibling, a possibility that has wrenched my soul. I might have a brother or sister alive in the world, one I have never met, and we have no way to know or find each other unless our paths cross in the search for Mary. This is indisputably wrong. With this development, along with the 41 years of life as an adoptee, 20 years of considering a search, two years of frustrating work in searching for my birth family, and the unbelievable recent... more

This was originally written during the search of a person whose natural mother recently passed away due to complications of Alzheimer’s. This is being posted to the blog with the author’s permission.

I continue to believe that most people, when given the opportunity, will reconsider their automatically held, unexamined biases and opinions. If you have not considered the rights of adoptees before now, please take this opportunity to do so.

I am Mary's daughter. Mary has a granddaughter and three great granddaughters she has never met.... more

For adoption triad members adoption is a part of our lives. It is not going to go away and it is not perfect. No matter your specific situation most encounter frustration and anger at some point.

Frustration and anger surface because there are many experiences that can bring up these feelings. Here are some common triggers that I have seen through out the adoption community:

• A yearning for knowledge • Family and friends who don’t understand • Our own confusion • A search that hits brick wall after brick... more

Forgiveness is a choice that takes courage and strength and it gives you the opportunity to become someone who has dealt with the adoption experience rather than remaining a victim of your own scorn.

Is not forgiving yourself a form of pride? If you have enacted a different set of rules at a higher set of standards for yourself over others then that is pride. When it can be found within yourself to forgive others but not ourselves are you saying that you are less capable of making a decision than others. Someone we are more intuitive, wiser, more insightful,... more

In a healthy relationship there is no position of power and both individuals are genuinely interested in the others well being and so there is no reason to feel threatened, and there is no fear of attack. Both individuals can be open and honest in a safe environment where they are valued and cared for.

If you find yourself using guilt in your adoption reunion the answer to why you are doing it is in you and not the other person. You may want to ask yourself why you feel threatened? Is there something in the past that you can not forgive? Is... more