At the June 1997 Australian Adoption conference in Brisbane, Evelyn Robinson delivered a speech on "Grief Associated with the Loss of Children to Adoption." The speech was taken from Ms. Robinson's essay on "Bereavement and Loss", which was written for her degree in social work. Ms. Robinson also presented the material in August 1998 in Scotland and is currently writing a book on the subject. Much of the text below was taken directly from her work and this particular series was written by a dear friend of mine, Nathalie Troland. Nathalie is a reunited natural mother for 15+... more

I do not mean to imply that I believe that one should give up on life and never have another happy moment in life. Nor do I believe that your life is destined to be totally "ruined" and miserable forever if you lose a child to adoption. However, it certainly is altered forever more than most realize that it will be.

There are some birth mothers who would disagree as to whether adoption has ruined their lives or not. I certainly am not negating how damaging the relinquishment experience can be either. I do believe it is quite profound.

Losing a child... more

If only it were that simple - To not worry and be happy! For most birth mothers surviving the loss of their child to adoption is generally anything but "easy".

Since reunion is often a time of healing for birth parents, I thought it might be appropriate to discuss what expectations for healing or recovery at reunion are "reasonable" for them. We birth parents are all different, despite some people may want to believe. The ability for some people to heal differs greatly from others based on a number of factors. These comments are based on generalizations... more

Intimacy being the sixth core issue in adoption is the loss, feelings of rejection, shame and grief, and incomplete sense of self may hinder the development of intimacy for triad members. Triad members avoid possible reenactment of previous losses is to avoid closeness and commitment.

Triad members may hold back a part of themselves in a relationship. There may be difficulties in bonding and attachment. Intamacy issues may be more obvious in relationships with members of the opposite sex because of questions in regards to conception, biological or genetic concerns... more

When seeking professional support from a counselor or therapist there are a few things that you can do to help yourself find the right person for you. You are looking for someone who doesn’t over emphasize the effects of adoption nor ignores its influence and effects on the lives of triad members. The ideal therapist or counselor should have knowledge of and experience with adoption.

So, you may be wondering where to start looking? You can use local adoption search and support resources. You can start with referrals from the agency that handled your adoption, a... more

A few weekends ago I encountered a searching adoptee whose anger is sadly getting the best of her. After a few email exchanges with her, I thought it might be good to write about the losses of adoption and grief. The thing with adoption is that there are gains and losses for all triad members. Adoptees gain parents while loosing their birth parents. Adoptive parents who are infertile become parents while losing the dream of giving birth to a child. Birth parents are relieved of the parenting while losing a child.

Even in the world of open adoptions, there is loss.... more

Over the weekend I encountered a searching adoptee whose anger is sadly getting the best of her. After a few email exchanges with her, I thought it might be good to write about the losses of adoption and grief. The thing with adoption is that there are gains and losses for all triad members. Adoptees gain parents while losing their birth parents. Adoptive parents who are infertile become parents while losing the dream of giving birth to a child. Birth parents are relieved of the parenting while losing a child.

Even in the world of open adoptions, there is loss. There... more

There are numerous positive ways to cope with the adoption situation in your life. Support group meetings, conferences, counseling, searching, are just a couple.

The dynamics of a support group are always the same. There purpose is to offer comfort, sympathy, and an opportunity to talk about your feelings and emotions in a safe environment. I am going to say that all support groups are not for everyone and that if you try one and it doesn’t feel right, try another one. One thing is for sure though that a support group is one of the few places where... more