Forgiveness is a huge issue to tackle at reunion. Many birth mothers have more than one person to begin to forgive at the time of a reunion. A crucial step in recovering from the wounds of adoption during reunion is finding ways to forgive, not only others, but yourself.

For birth mothers from the infamous “baby scoop” era, when adoptions were at an all time high in the United States, there may be a fairly extensive list of people to forgive. Particularly for those women who were pressured into relinquishing, this list could be quite lengthy.... more

The five stages of reunion healing go hand in hand with the five stages of grief.

I had searched for my natural family for 2 years before I found a grave. It was a bitter sweet time for me. I felt relief as I found my natural mother after my long and frustrating search. After standing at her grave on that cold winter day I tried to resume to my life as if nothing had happened at all. There were some powerful emotions brewing inside me during this time. It is this time period that I was denying that I had found a grave and denied that... more

Most adoptees wonder about their birth history or origin at some time in their life. The adoptee may think about his unknown past and experience fantasies, fear, or envy and at some point make the decision whether or not to search for his or her natural mother. The adoptess personality, stage of emotional development, adoptive parents support, and the amount of information and resources available to the adoptee will influence his decision to search.

During search and reunion a recovery or healing process takes place. There are decisions and choices to be made.... more

The ninth stage of grief is hope. This is when every now and again you get a little glimpse of hope in one experience or another. The cloud of grief starts to break up and light comes through.

Grief can last for a few weeks to many months to years. No two people are the same and we don’t know how long grief is going to last and no two losses are identical. Some may not express their feelings and don’t seem to need to. Some struggle with the various stages within themselves and don’t want others to help them with their grief. On the other hand there are some who need... more

Guilt is the sixth state of grief and if the emotions are misunderstood you can be miserable for years or you may experience a variety of physical symptoms of distress. It is important to face the feelings of guilt and not be afraid or embarrassed to talk about our feelings.

The seventh stage is anger and resentment. This is when you may be more able to express strong feelings of anger and resentment. This is a normal but if allowed to take over can be harmful but they are normal and can be overcome. When we have something precious taken away from us we inevitably go through... more

There are 10 stages of grief and I think it is important to understand the process through which most people must go through as they face their loss. It is not an easy process and it doesn’t mean that every person goes through all of these stages nor do they go through them in this order.

The first stage is shock and this is when the loss is so overwhelming you can’t believe what has happened. Shock is a temporary escape from reality. It is good to keep busy and to continue to carry on as much of the usual activities as possible.

Emotion is the second stage and comes... more

In understanding guilt I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is what things specifically are bothering you the most. Guilt shouldn’t be ignored or pushed down but rather talk about your guilt until you can let it go.

I believe that when guilt is an issue it is important to accept the fact that you did the best you could and realize that living is a balance. There isn’t room for blaming yourself for things that you did not know or could no t change.

Forgiveness is another important factor when dealing with guilt. You may need to ask for forgiveness. I am sure... more

There are a number of positive ways for natural mothers to cope with the adoption experience. If you aren’t already, you may want to attend an adoption support group meetings, conferences, go to counseling, search for your child, and communicate with other natural parents. There are several national natural parent support organizations such as the American Adoption Congress, Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), Birth Mothers of Minors (BMOMS) in NY city and Birthparents in the Open in Santa Cruz, CA.

No matter what support group you contact and... more

Effects of Disenfranchised Grief The effects of disenfranchised grief and consequent poor grief resolution are displayed in a variety of ways and in varying degrees. Depression, emotional disturbances, withdrawal from society, psychosomatic illnesses and low self-esteem are all symptoms. Many of those affected succumb to substance abuse and have difficulty in forming healthy relationships. Jeffrey Kaufmann is quoted in Disenfranchised Grief, "The loss of community that may occur as a consequence of disenfranchised grief fosters an abiding sense of loneliness and abandonment".... more

Resolution of Grief

The goal in successful grief resolution is to reestablish emotional equilibrium. Ms. Robinson used Worden's model of grief counseling from his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, to demonstrate how the disenfranchised grief of natural mothers interferes with the successful resolution of grief. The four aspects he presents as necessary for successful grief resolution include: first, accept the reality of the loss; second, experience the pain of grief; third, adjust to the environment from which the lost person is missing; and fourth, withdraw... more