I have talked about the loss in adoption. The natural parents lose their child, the adoptee loses their biological connection and the adoptive parents lose of hope of a biological child. I truly believe it is important to acknowledge and validate these loses in adoption and go through the grief process.

Some triad members deny that they have experienced a loss. I use the analogy of a drug or alcohol addicted person. In the drug addict or the alcoholic, they don’t see that they have a problem. There are triad members that do say that being adopted... more

My finding a grave at the end of my search is what truly inspired me to spend time helping triad members with their adoption issues, more specifically with search assistance and educating them about the issues that come along with adoption search and reunion. When I started my search I attended a support group meeting regularly and met a lot of adoptees and natural parents. After searching for 15 months, I attended my first adoption conference and then continued to attend both after finding a grave. What I learned was that I was not alone in my pain and... more

One day, Tony confessed that he didn't like being the skeleton in someone's closet. He didn't like being the object of shame. With this, I was faced by a choice: I could, in essence, lose my son a second time to shame and society's approbation, or I could choose differently this time, claiming my son and his place in my life.

Recently, I have commented on how I sometimes long for lighter subjects. You know...funny comments made by my children or cute things that they have done. Many of our bloggers have young children, and... more

Last night, my husband and I had a conversation where I shared a fear that I have with him. His response was that fears are based on assumptions and used the analogy of your in the woods and fear a lion….you assume the lion is going to attack so that is why you are afraid. I had no response and have been mulling over this thought process ever since.

I think what he was trying to say is that I had to figure out is determine what my fear is based on. You can’t beat what isn’t real and you can’t overcome what is real if you won’t admit... more

Eventually being so angry became very unhealthy, and I decided that I needed to find productive ways to defuse some of the anger. I still was unaware that anger would ever be considered a positive and appropriate emotion at times. One day I was attending a one-day workshop given by adoption therapist, adoptee and author, Marlou Russell called the “Lifelong Affects of Adoption”.

At the beginning of the workshop, we went around the room explaining why we were attending, our positions in the triad, and what we hoped to gain from her talk. I recall saying... more

As a child growing up within a traditional, middle class family in the South, anger was always considered a negative emotion. Anger was something that you were to make great efforts to avoid. Being angry was unpleasant to see in others, unproductive and even scary to me. Therefore, as I grew up, I tried to muffle my anger when it surfaced. This was sometimes difficult as I was a somewhat strong-willed child at times. I know, hard to believe, right? However, mostly I was successful in wearing a broad happy-looking smile on my face the majority... more

Did your parents tell you not to cry when you were a child? If you did cry, did they ever allow you to cry, or did they always feel that they needed to stop the flow of tears by diverting your attention?

Along with my change of heart about anger, reunion also changed my opinion about crying. More pointedly my opinion changed about letting others see you cry, and whether crying is positive or negative. Just as I felt it was not appropriate to show anger, I felt that it was not good to let others see you cry. I have since decided that at times,... more

For adoptees, there may be a need to forgive your birth mother for the decision that she made so many years ago. Even if your adoption and life have been happy and fulfilling, you may still have felt some effects from being relinquished. Yes, you may have some anger. Birth mothers who have educated themselves about adoption may understand your anger. However, it may puzzle some birth moms that their children are angry.

Most birth mothers relinquished their children wanting the best for them, and believing that adoption was the best, most loving... more

Many of the fathers of babies relinquished in decades past were quite young themselves. Although some may have made some attempts to be helpful and supportive, most had minimal ideas of exactly how and what they should do. Birth dads differ just like birth moms.

Even those birth dads who tried to find ways to help avoid the adoption option failed due to their youth and immaturity. For others, their coping skills may have led them to flee the situation out of fear. Some men were just plain irresponsible and uncaring individuals. I believe this... more

Forgiving others for their lack of real knowledge about adoption is a necessary step towards healing at the time of reunion. Anger is one of the steps that most people in reunion pass through. Some people remain stuck forever with the anger, and others have bouts of anger, but mostly have conquered their anger.

After you have passed through the anger stage in healing, forgiveness is the next logical step. Unless and until you are able to forgive your parents and other trusted advisors, your anger may plague you and affect every relationship... more