There is a great deal of talk about how birth parents deserve their privacy and are entitled to refuse contact if they wish to do so. However, I find it interesting who normally makes those kinds of remarks. Birth parents rarely do. Generally, adoption social workers tend or those adoptive parents opposed to open records often voice their opinions on what birth parents want. Once in a while, a birth parent will agree that they are entitled to their privacy. However, most birth parents that I know believe saying that they need... more

The majority of birth parents from closed adoptions do not search. Adoptees search in greater numbers than birth parents do for a number of reasons. Many of the birth moms that I know who were found have no other children. The reasons for that are varied. Secondary infertility is said to be higher in birth mothers than in the general population. Some birth mothers do not believe that they deserve a second chance at motherhood, so they do not allow themselves to get pregnant a second time.

For first/birth mothers who did not raise other children,... more

A colleague in Maryland wrote to me the other day bubbling over with excitement at a find made by her search and support group. Based on the adoptive mom’s recollections of a slip of the lip, and non-id information supplied by the attorney who handled the adoption, the group was able to identify the missing birth mother in less than the two hours that they spend together once a month. They found the birth grandfather, too. It took a couple days to update the information and to identify and verify the woman’s married name but,... more

You know my response to the social worker if you have been reading much of my blog. Had I responded differently, I wouldn’t be here blogging about search and reunion. I wouldn’t be one of the staunchest advocates for search and reunion on the face of the planet.

Most importantly though, I would not know the joys of having a relationship with my oldest son. If I had said, “No” to Sara, the social worker, I would still be deeply wedged into that safe, but uncomfortable, birth mother closet of denial.

Had I said, “No”, I would not know my... more

There was an abrupt shift in my feelings after the revelation that I still loved my son hit me. It was safe to love him now I thought. Therefore, I finally allowed myself the luxury of loving him, and came out of the denial I had used as a crutch for so many years.

I suddenly was thrilled at the thought of talking to my son, and maybe even having the chance to meet him. I had never imagined that it would be possible to find him, and now, I leapt at the chance to be in touch with him.

The fear no longer controlled me, I knew I had to... more

“My son is searching for me?”, I did not say that out loud, but, as my brain was racing and trying to process what I had just heard, that is what I was thinking. “Is it really possible?” was my next thought.

Certainly, I knew that adoption reunions happened these days once in a while. However, I still believed that they were extremely rare. I actually did not think about it much as I was so deeply dedicated to protecting my secret. Thinking about my relinquished son was something I avoided as much as I could.

When I thought of his adoption,... more

Five years ago tonight, I received the most life-altering phone call of my lifetime. That call was from a stranger named Sara. Just as I walked in the back door after work, my husband shoved the phone in my hand and said, "It's for you." I can't tell you why, but, there was an immediate sense of foreboding as I took the phone. From the moment he handed me the phone, I felt an uneasy sense of something out of the ordinary.

The phone call was from a social worker at the agency that handled my son's adoption - nearly 32 years earlier. Sara was a soft-spoken woman with a gentle... more