I am not saying that having someone else making contact on your behalf is the best option but rather one of your options. There is no right or wrong way however it is important to consider all the options. For example, a letter allows the found natural mother to adjust to the idea before it is necessary for them to respond.

Even if your natural mother searched for you unsuccessfully the first contact will be a shock and they will need time to work through their feelings.

There are many natural mothers who have never told anyone that they had relinquished a child... more

When an adoptee is searching and has completed his or her search, the question now is how to make that first contact. Should you write, or make a phone call? When you,, the adoptee, gets a name, address, and phone number emotions go into overdrive and you are flying high.

The first thing to do is stop and think! Consider asking your self how you would react to a phone call or if you were a birth mother who told no one that you had relinquished a child to adoption would I want someone calling asking my relatives asking them questions. If you got a phone call and some... more

In the closed adoption era, the adoption agencies, attorneys, intermediaries, etc advised adopters to not tell their children that they were adopted. There are many that did not follow this advise. Many years later when agencies, attorneys, intermediaries, etc did recommend to the adopters to tell their children that they were adopted many did not follow this advice.

I do believe that there are more adoptees who know and have always know that they were adopted there are still those who don’t know the facts surrounding their conception and birth.

As a natural... more

There is no guideline or how to book or anything like that giving instructions on how to make contact with the person who you have found. There are a few things that I can think of that should not be done and those are the things that I would like to address knocking on someone’s door in this blog.

Do not just knock on someone’s door. This can be a great concern of triad members and it may damage any future chances for a relationship to develop.

If you are searching for the child you relinquished to adoption the adoptee may not know that he or she... more

The way you chose to make contact is your decision. You have to do what feels write for you.

Writing a letter is one approach you can make to a person you have been searching for. A letter is less threatening to people and it gives them time to think about their response as well as to work through their feelings.

One suggestion when writing a letter, is it can be sensitive and written as if someone else in the home may open it. Here is an example for your reference:

Dear Jane, I am searching for someone named Jane Moody Smith to whom I may be... more

When thinking about making contact with a birth relative, keep in mind that for some birth parents, relinquishing a child may have been the most painful event in their lives and they may have spent many years trying to deny the painful feelings of loss and guilt. The emotion of a possible contact may be too hard to relive.

It is also useful to remember that some adoptees may just want information about their origins and for many reasons, may not want contact. Some adoptees may not be aware that they were adopted so this is something to keep in mind if you... more

It was in the evening that first contact was made with my birth uncle. While I chose to have someone close to me make the contact I was right there. I could feel my heart beating and my chest was tight. I was apprehensive and was worried that I would be ultimately humiliated. I got my cigarettes and a glass of ice tea. I sat at the dining room table while the call was placed. My mind was racing and I got up from the table and started pacing. What would he say? Would he believe us? What if he wouldn’t talk to us?

Finally, someone answered the phone and I heard... more

Via Email

With the advent and current popularity of the Internet, email has become a new method for first contact. I believe it is a reasonable method with a few reservations. Sometimes people share email addresses with others. There might be a privacy concern if you email someone who may share their email box with someone else. That other person may not know of the adoption. If that person sees a message that is not discreet enough, huge problems could arise for the person for whom the message was intended. Perhaps you could first confirm that the email address is not shared with someone... more

This is a method that Christi Bender posted to the forum at adoption.com. She gave me permission to offer her suggestion for first contact here:

When I contacted my bmom I thought about the knock on the door method (always somewhere in a dream), but seeing as how I was in FL and she was in MI that just wasn't practical.

I thought about the phone... but it would require an immediate reaction. A confused mind will generally say "no". Not always... but generally. I also didn't want to put her on the spot. I didn't know her health... more

Some people are not adept at letter writing and would prefer contact via the telephone. This method has its pros and cons as does any method. If you decide that telephone is how you would prefer to communiciate initially, there are several points to keep in mind.

Ask the person as soon as the conversation begins if this is a convenient time for them to talk. There could be someone nearby who does not know about the adoption in which case the person you contact may not feel free to talk. If they indicate that it is not a good time for them to talk, give them your... more