The second option of first contact is via letter. The issue I see with writing a letter is there is an agonizing wait for a reply. There is no instant gratification but if you choose this option you should keep the following in mind:

1) Send the letter certified and registered, return receipt requested, requiring only the signature and ID of the person you intend the letter to be for. You should make sure it says “Forwarding Address Requested” so you can find out where they moved if they have moved within the past year. By sending the letter this way, you are protecting the... more

When the search is completed, you will be faced with the conflicting question of how to make contact with the person you have been searching for. You have all the information and you are pretty sure this is the person you are searching for. Making first contact can be one of the scariest things you will ever do in your life.

The choice you decide on for making first contact is a personal decision and you have to do what feels right for you. Unfortunately, there is no life manual with a chapter in contacting birth family to ensure you are successful. There is no... more

I think it is natural for adoptive parents to have strong conflicting emotions even if they are supportive of their child and sympathize with their need to search for a birth parent. However, for the adoptee, the longing in their spirit is to become peaceful and have a new understanding.

Even though adoptive parents were supportive in the search, when the search is completed they may experience some strong conflicting emotions. They may become fearful and angry; they may also feel sorrow, jealousy, betrayal, guilt and a sense of failure. These feelings may be tangled... more

Recently, I learned about an interesting phenomenon that some adoptees experience at reunion. While I had vaguely heard mention of this occurrence, I did not realize how significant an issue it can be for some adopteees. It involves mourning the loss of the fantasy birth mother that they may have imagined most of their lives.

At reunion, when they meet their birth mothers, rarely is the women that they encounter exactly what they expected. Apparently, this discovery causes some adoptees to mourn their loss. The loss is not one based on losing a person, but instead a... more

Many of you probably can imagine some of the ideas I used to hold about adoption. A few of you probably still fervently believe some of the same things that I used to believe. You know - stuff like birth mothers forgetting and moving on with their lives - not holding their babies because it would make it harder for them later -ideas along those lines.

Domestic newborn adoption is the area that I feel needs the most reform, so, I focus on that area of adoption most often. Many of the "old" ideas still abound in newborn adoptions. My views on both pre-birth matching and adoptive parents... more

There are times that I become impatient when I hear opinions about adoption that I now consider undated and false. However, I try to catch myself and remember that I was guilty of believing most of the inaccurate and totally false ideas about adoption myself. When my son found me, all I knew about reunion, other than having relinquished a child myself, I learned from the media. And that wasn't much!

Since I was so mired in denial prior to reunion, I never sought out any information about adoption. Therefore, at the time I was found, I had not read a single adoption book,... more

Our daughter was born a few months before my 17th birthday. (Here's Part 1 and Part 2 of this story.) The subject of adoption never came up. We had married and were excited and happy to become parents. I was probably more thrilled than my husband, but, he seemed ready to become a husband and father. He was a bit older than I was - nearly 22.

My daughter's reluctant paternal grandmother had a complete change... more

Sixteen years old, unmarried and pregnant. Over 40 years ago, the options were limited for a young woman in that "condition". Marriage, a back-room illegal abortion or adoption were the most popular choices. Single mothers were rare. There was only one choice in my mind though.

Not everyone was too happy about our marriage plans though even knowing a baby was on the way. My future mother-in-law even paid a visit to me imploring me to reconsider our marriage plans. She was concerned about our marriage ruining her only son's career. He was just about to enter medical school.... more

Recently, my adored 7-year old granddaughter called and asked if she could come over the next day. I get busy and sometimes think it is time for a dose of my lively granddaughter, but, do not act on my impulse. Just lately, she has begun to call me and invite herself over. I'm so glad that she does.

A phone call from her always delights me, and I feel honored that she enjoys her Gram enough to want to spend time with me. She lives only 15-20 minutes away, so, the distance makes visits easy and often.

The last time she was over a few weeks ago, we did some gardening... more

I strongly believe that a successful reunion is based on four preparation steps before contact is made. These steps apply to all triad members who are searching.

The first one is: Give up “The Fantasy”. Let go of the image you have of the person you are searching for. No one can live in a fantasy world especially someone who is riding the reunion rollercoaster. The person searching should be ready to accept the person they find because of who they are. The reality is that they are probably not who you fantasized about.

The second thing is: Decide... more