Adoption is sometimes the right choice for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. Parenting is the right choice sometimes too. For some women, abortion may be their right choice, whether you believe in it yourself. It is presumptuous to tell a woman that her decision was right or wrong. You cannot possibly know that.

No one can know for certain, and she may or may not believe that she should have parented her child. Telling her that you believe that she made the right choice by choosing adoption may insinuate that you believe she was never meant to be a mother. It could... more

If there is one phrase certain to irritate many birth mothers more than any other, it has to be "You did the right thing." This particular comment first surfaces when a woman in a crisis pregnancy is considering adoption. Some people felt quite confident in telling a woman at that point that she is "doing the right thing". They may know almost nothing about her, and yet they are convinced adoption is the best solution for her.

Later, after a woman has made the decision to relinquish, more praise comes her way for "doing the right thing". In some people's minds,... more

The previous blog in this series gives you a pretty good idea what to say when making initial contact via phone but what if they say this is not a good time to talk. You should ask for a more convenient time when you can call back. Don’t wait for them to suggest a time, but ask if tomorrow morning or tomorrow night would be better. You should give them some options so that they are in control of the situation but make your intent to call back perfectly clear.

In case of an immediate positive response you may want to have ready a list of questions. You may... more

As I have said before there are no rules or guidebooks for first contact. However, there are things that others have done in the past that have seem to have worked for many who chose to make first contact via a phone call.

You always want to be polite. You are going to feel scared to death and think you can’t do this but you can. After dialing the number you want to ask for the person you are seeking and make sure you have the right party. You then want to identify yourself by name, and state you location some like. My name is Karen and I live in PA. You... more

The most powerful way to make contact is between the people involved in the relinquishment and adoption. A third party contact the person you are looking for is not generally the best way to start a relationship. It is also not wise to contact other relatives first in the hopes that they may tell you where your natural parents are living or where the adoptee is living. Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing relative could jeopardize your reunion. If you choose to have someone assist you in making contact make sure that he or she is aware of what contact... more

Some question whether or not they should write a letter to make first contact. A letter is less threatening to people. It gives them time to think about their response and to work through their feelings. It allows the person who has been located to take the time they need to make a decision regarding contact and to think about reconnecting with natural family members. It may make a difference between limited contact and no contact at all.

Another positive is that writing a letter gives the person found some control over what happens when. Some feel that a letter... more

When I found out that my son wanted to know me, I joyfully embraced the opportunity. I offered him my heart. It was all so confusing in those early days; I was so uncertain as to the "protocol" for reunion. At times I would read about reunion and think, "Aha, this is what he wants." Sometimes it worked, other times, I discovered my son did not necessarily want or need what some book or other adoptee might want.

However, offering him unconditional love seemed a safe bet. He could accept it, fight it, be ambivalent about whether he wanted it or not, run from it or reject me for... more

Recently I wrote about ways to support a birth mom at reunion. However, if you are an adoptee with a birth mom in reunion, it is not your job to "fix" her. Take care of yourself and let her do the same. I know that you may want to help her, but, it is not your responsibility to heal her. Only she can do that.

She needs to deal with her issues on her own, in a support group and/or with an adoption therapist. Do not feel guilty for having found her - it is a good thing. Even if she struggles in the beginning of reunion, your finding her was the right thing to do. For many... more

6. Understand that reunion is between a birth mother and her child. It is inappropriate to attempt to make her feel guilty as though by reconnecting with her child, she is somehow usurping the adoptive parents’ role or being unfair or cruel to them.

Reunion is not all about the adoptive parents, and they should not be the main focus. It is most likely that she knows that reunion may pose some uncomfortable times for the adoptive parents. She is probably quite sensitive to their feelings. The last thing she needs is for her friends and... more

No one has perfect words to offer to a birth mom at reunion. There are none. I blogged awhile back about . "What Not to Say to a Reunited Birth Mom." Here are a few suggestions that might be better received and more helpful to a birth mom in reunion.

1. “That must have been very difficult for you.” When I told a few people after reunion that I had surrendered a son to adoption, some people very simply let me know that they imagined... more