What one aspect of reunion makes the experience most rewarding for birth family members? Sometimes adoptees speak of having their curiosity satisfied. There is no more wondering about where their brown eyes came from, or their musical talent (or lack of it.)

Answers to many questions that they have thought about for years are often provided at reunion. Filling in the pieces of their lives is often satisfying and helps them feel more grounded. Even those who do not develop successful relationships after a reunion are still generally content with... more

As I read other bloggers’ thoughts on Halloween this morning, I began to reflect on past Halloweens and recalled which stood out in my mind the most. Since my children are grown now, my most recent memories are of three much loved grandchildren.

On a recent weekend, my granddaughter proudly showed me her costume for this year. She had a prepackaged combo this year, and as she pulled out the pieces from the bag, she explained each item in great detail. At eight years old, she is very articulate!

Eventually, she decided that she... more

Adoption reunion can spark some intense sexual feelings. This can happen in reunion natural mothers and sons, natural fathers and daughters, siblings of opposite sex, and more distant relatives. Some have engaged in a sexual relations with their natural relative while others have described experiences ranging from intense erotic feelings toward their relatives to sexual behavior such as fondling and touching. The best way to explain it is when the lost relative is met for the first time an overwhelming and complicated rush of emotions and an almost irresistible sense of falling in... more

A colleague in Maryland wrote to me the other day bubbling over with excitement at a find made by her search and support group. Based on the adoptive mom’s recollections of a slip of the lip, and non-id information supplied by the attorney who handled the adoption, the group was able to identify the missing birth mother in less than the two hours that they spend together once a month. They found the birth grandfather, too. It took a couple days to update the information and to identify and verify the woman’s married name but,... more

I have been asked on numerous occasions the question of “where should my reunion take place?”

I have two places that I suggest for the first meeting to occur and they are first a neutral location such as an airport, a restaurant or a hotel. My second is someone’s home.

If a neutral location is chosen out of geographic necessity or personal preference a multitude of issues regarding intimate boundaries will automatically be eliminated.

For those who are more tentative or private in nature a neutral location can provide a buffer... more

My previous blog was about boundaries. After I posted the blog, I thought about what happens if the person you are in reunion with erects a boundary and doesn’t do it with open communication? From my experience of talking with triad members I understand that this type of situation leaves one person feeling walled out, powerless and desperate for answers of why are they pulling away.

If this happens it is important to understand what is behind the why. The reason that a boundary may be created and not communicate their thoughts and feelings... more

Many of you may not know it, I wear many different hats through out the work week. One of my hats that I had on today was as a Tupperware consultant. In seeing the different families walking by my cash and carry stand I wished that I had been on the other side shopping instead of working. Suddenly, a family came up from behind my stand and they had a child who was screaming, crying, and thrashing on the floor. I am not a parent yet, but it made me think about acceptable and unacceptable behavior and setting boundaries.

Watching this experience,... more

This comment that I referred to in Part 1 made me decide to look up the word “victim” in the dictionary. I prefer to think of myself as a survivor rather than a victim. “Victim” has connotations to me of cowering in a corner, meekly accepting your fate and not speaking up.

Victim is what I had to be to allow my son's adoption; I went along with the plan. Even though, it felt horribly wrong; I let it happen. However, victim does NOT define me now. Nor does "victim" fit now for any of the feisty, courageous birth mothers that I know who dedicate... more

I hear a lot of "victimhood and woe is me" in your writing-whose's choice is it to place and whose responsibiltity is it when the adoption is complete? Not society or adoption parents are at fault-IMO it's the bfamily.

The recent reader comment mentioned that she detected a “woe is me” and victim-type attitude in my writing. I did not respond to her comment as I decided that I needed to ponder a response for awhile. I also realized that I probably could not give a two-line response. Brief answers are not something that... more

A negative response when contact is first sought is often not the last word. For birth mothers, once they process a request for contact,gain some courage and strength, they often do change their minds. Adoptees often may need some time to process and decide if they want contact.

From what I have learned about the make-up of many birth mothers, those who refuse contact probably so do because they are afraid to deal with their issues. They are afraid to tell others, afraid of rejection, afraid that reunion will be too difficult; there... more