Adoptive and birth parents do not always meet even when a reunion occurs. However, it can be beneficial for both sets of parents to meet each other. Sometimes adoptive and birth parents from closed adoptions meet and form a warm relationship. It seems that is not the usual outcome. Although I do know of a few instances in which that is the case, it is more likely that both sets of parents do not meet or they meet yet there is a great deal of tension between them and relations are strained.

There are a variety of reasons why the adoptive and birth... more

Often in a reunion relationship, one party wants or needs more than the other one. The needier party probably wants more contact, more attention or more closeness. Some people are able to reevaluate their needs and be satisified with less. In reunion relationships, I think it is always wise to remember than any relationship at all provided more than you may have expected. For others, that is more difficult.

What else constitutes a good reunion? Some parties attend conferences and present talks together, but I believe that those relationships are the exception... more

Due to my involvement with the adoption reform community, I know many people who are reunited. Some of the people I know who are in reunion were the searchers, others like me were found. So far, I cannot see any correlation between those who searched and those who were found as far as how satisfying they find may reunion.

Nearly all the birth parents that I know seemed to embrace the idea of reunion although to varying degrees. Most of the adoptees I know tend to be searchers, so of course they are interested in reunion. I do hear about adoptees who do not... more

Reunion is such an unusual experience that many people who are reuniting often wonder if their feelings are normal or not. I can't tell you how many times I have heard a birth parent or adoptee begin to tell you what is happening in their reunion, then pause and ask if their experiences are "normal." As far as I can tell, there is not too much normal about reunion. Yet, in some ways the relationship itself may seem very natural and easy.

Closed adoptions did not plan for reunions to ever occur. The whole premise of a closed adoption is to sever... more

Some people seem to think that reunion fixes everything and resolves adoption loss issues. By now people are probably extremely tired of hearing me say so, but for me reunion has given me some resolution nothing else could have. I love getting to know my son. However, making up for lost time is impossible and reunion does not wipe out the past.

A photo of Jenna and her beautiful Munchkin making cookies some time back was one of those bittersweet moments I often have when I see such photos. I am so pleased that Jenna and her daughter have... more

More lessons learned from my therapist:

2) Be patient and understand that building a relationship takes time. Like building a house, you first build a foundation, and then continue to build brick by brick. 3) That my son probably cared about me and wanted me to be happy. I honestly needed some prodding to figure that out. 4) That one of the most important tasks for me was to stay consistent with my communications with my son. No matter what he did, I contacted him with the same frequency, and worked hard to be consistent. At times,... more

The majority of birth parents from closed adoptions do not search. Adoptees search in greater numbers than birth parents do for a number of reasons. Many of the birth moms that I know who were found have no other children. The reasons for that are varied. Secondary infertility is said to be higher in birth mothers than in the general population. Some birth mothers do not believe that they deserve a second chance at motherhood, so they do not allow themselves to get pregnant a second time.

For first/birth mothers who did not raise other children,... more

I was thinking about how many of the readers are in reunion. Some may have had some contact. Some may have met face to face. Some may correspond frequently or see each other regularly. You may have distance that separate you. No matter what the case, reunions for one or both may feel like you are learning what you need to or want to know.

I have been involved in the adoption community since I was 18 and you can’t imagine how many times triad members have said to me how the other person isn’t giving them what they need. A result... more

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance. Unknown.

The photo accompanying this post looks serene and like a peaceful relaxing spot. Right now, it reflects how I feel after five years of reunion. I mostly feel at peace with the relationship with my son. Some days I wish for more, but I try to concentrate on appreciating what I do have.

As for the fact of his adoption, I am resigned to the fact that I cannot turn back time. I do not accept that it should have happened, and... more

Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. Margaret Mitchell

Expectations are often a stumbling block in reunions. I will go even further; I believe that unrealistic expectations have the potential to stop a reunion dead in its tracks. If one party in a reunion feels constantly pressured for more, they may feel compelled to retreat.

The retreat may be a temporary measure, or it could be an end to the relationship depending on a number of factors. It is difficult to predict,... more