Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

Unknown

In August of 2001, my son and I first began to communicate with each other. He had found me through a mediator on July 31, 2001. Our first contact was days after the agency had received all the paperwork to allow them to provide identifying information to both of us. After our initial talk on the telephone (2 hours long), we began emailing... more

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In Nancy Verrier’s second book, "Coming Home to Self," she tells adoptees that your birth mother is not just a friend, but your mother. She chides adoptees not to pretend otherwise because it is unfair to do so. However, I believe that despite what the reality is – that all adopted people have two mothers – not all adoptees feel that way. Much of our society does not allow for a person to have more than one mother.

One of the most painful proclamations from adoptees in early reunion often seems to be variations on, “You are not my REAL mother. I know who my REAL mother is.”... more

One thing that is very important once contact is made is mutual respect. In fact, it is essential that you all mutually agree to respect and accept one another.

When meeting face to face, it should be planned based on the pace of the slowest person. You may have searched and had several years to prepare for this but the person you have found has not. They need this time to prepare themselves. First contact is often a huge shock to the person who has been found.

After contact has been made, the next step is to set up a face to face meeting assuming that... more

There is no guideline or how to book or anything like that giving instructions on how to make contact with the person who you have found. There are a few things that I can think of that should not be done and those are the things that I would like to address knocking on someone’s door in this blog.

Do not just knock on someone’s door. This can be a great concern of triad members and it may damage any future chances for a relationship to develop.

If you are searching for the child you relinquished to adoption the adoptee may not know that he or she... more

The way you chose to make contact is your decision. You have to do what feels write for you.

Writing a letter is one approach you can make to a person you have been searching for. A letter is less threatening to people and it gives them time to think about their response as well as to work through their feelings.

One suggestion when writing a letter, is it can be sensitive and written as if someone else in the home may open it. Here is an example for your reference:

Dear Jane, I am searching for someone named Jane Moody Smith to whom I may be... more

When thinking about making contact with a birth relative, keep in mind that for some birth parents, relinquishing a child may have been the most painful event in their lives and they may have spent many years trying to deny the painful feelings of loss and guilt. The emotion of a possible contact may be too hard to relive.

It is also useful to remember that some adoptees may just want information about their origins and for many reasons, may not want contact. Some adoptees may not be aware that they were adopted so this is something to keep in mind if you... more

Although I wasn’t able to meet or have a relationship with my birth mother I do have a deep sense of knowing that we are both truly connected. Over the past several years I have realized I not only have healed but also continue to heal more and more as each day goes by. This has also helped me to access more of my own heart and allowed me to feel more. As the years pass, I miss my birth mother in a deeper way but at the same time feel more peace with her as well.

Several years ago I read a short story and what impressed me the most were the words to one sentence... more

The answer to this will depend on what you hoped to get out of it. Most people however will say that they are glad they did it. There is a whole spectrum of eventual relationships - from those where a close emotional bond develops, to those where people are disappointed and disillusioned by what they find, and the large range in the middle where there are ups and downs. It may take some time before you feel able to evaluate what is has meant. People often talk of needing about two years to get through all the stages of adjustment to this new relationship with each other. For... more

It was in the evening that first contact was made with my birth uncle. While I chose to have someone close to me make the contact I was right there. I could feel my heart beating and my chest was tight. I was apprehensive and was worried that I would be ultimately humiliated. I got my cigarettes and a glass of ice tea. I sat at the dining room table while the call was placed. My mind was racing and I got up from the table and started pacing. What would he say? Would he believe us? What if he wouldn’t talk to us?

Finally, someone answered the phone and I heard... more

Via Email

With the advent and current popularity of the Internet, email has become a new method for first contact. I believe it is a reasonable method with a few reservations. Sometimes people share email addresses with others. There might be a privacy concern if you email someone who may share their email box with someone else. That other person may not know of the adoption. If that person sees a message that is not discreet enough, huge problems could arise for the person for whom the message was intended. Perhaps you could first confirm that the email address is not shared with someone... more