In some reunions, there is an instant and immediate connection. The other party may seem somewhat familiar. There may seem to be many common interests between the two parties, and often many similarities in personalities. The more like minded the two parties are, the greater the probability that they may feel an instant connection.

Sometimes the two parties seem nothing alike. The person that they meet at reunion seems like a stranger, an alien. Nearly every belief that they have may be in opposition to the other party's beliefs.

In... more

Whether your adult child at reunion articulates the need or not, they probably can benefit from unconditional love from you.

However, I will begin with a warning to proceed slowly and cautiously. Providing unconditional love to your child may be scary for them and overwhelm them.

In How to Support Your Child at Reunion I mentioned that unconditional love is one essential way to support your child at reunion. ... more

When there is a reunion between a birth parent and their child (adult or not), a child might need certain things from their parent. They may be able to articulate what they want or need. It is possible that they have some clear and concise gaps that they hope that their parents can fill in for them.

These gaps might be as simple as answering questions, or they could be more complex. There might be some specific emotional voids that they expect their birth parents to fill. The possibilities are numerous. However,... more

At the beginning of reunion, I wondered how much my son would want to be in touch on holidays. I tried to keep my expectations low. However, once your child comes back into your life at reunion,you may be tempted to expect them to fit neatly into your life just like your other children.

However, if you are being realistic, you know that the child that you did not raise will never quite feel like your child as your other children do. You may feel like his or her mother, but your relinquished child will rarely feel like you are their parent. That is natural and... more

Ah, yes, "expectations" can land you in a pickle all too often! Expectations are inevitable, but, unrealistic expectations can be problematic. I have heard many adoptees and reunited birth parents complaining about not getting appropriate responses to gifts.

In fact, it annoys some people so much, they may decide to stop sending gifts at all. In most instances, I question the wisdom of that approach. Suddenly withholding gifts because you do not receive what you perceive is the proper response could trigger negative reactions that might seriously... more

2) For other adoptees, adoption is a major lifelong issue for them. They struggle with not knowing their roots. Issues of abandonment, trust and identity may be common within this group. Like some birth parents, their adoptive status seems to affect every decision they make, and is often on their minds. Adoptees in this group feel a keen sense of the loss of their heritage and roots. How they were raised does not seem pertinent as to whether adoption is a huge issue for them or not. Many adoptees that I know who have wonderful adoptive families still... more

In a way, that statement is like saying "all that I have learned about people." Adoptees are no more all alike than all birth parents are the same. I know that sometimes adoptees resent being all lumped together just like birth parents often do, and I cannot say that I blame them. One of the most important facts that I have learned is that adoptees have many different feelings about adoption.

However, like birth parents, adoptees do share some feelings in common. We tend to want to believe that like birth parents, adoptees are either angry or... more

If you have read much about adoption practices during the 60's and 70's, you might be familiar with the concept of wage homes. Maternity homes were so crowded with young pregnant women during the 60's and 70's that there was often a waiting list before a young women could get into a home.

Often women spent time during their pregnancy at a wage home first, and then entered the maternity home for only the last two months or so. Wage homes... more

For adoptees from the closed adoption era, there are several ways to learn about what your birth mother's experience might have been like. One of the best ways is to meet and hear stories from other birth mothers from that era. Reading about the era can provide you with insights as well. Chatting on forums like Adoption.com can help as well.

One purpose of learning about birth mothers is to understand how her experience has shaped her. It could offer some idea of how she felt about the child that she relinquished and her reasons for the adoption.... more

Birth parents sometimes complain when the kind of relationship they want doesn’t happen quickly. They may wish for more appreciation of gifts. More contact might be an issue as well. Many issues crop up and have the potential to cause problems. There are disappointments when reunion relationships do not meet expectations.

Sometimes I believe adoptees test birth parents to see how long they will hang in there and keep working on the relationship. They might push buttons thinking that birth parents won’t stick around anyway. Whether intentional or... more