There was an abrupt shift in my feelings after the revelation that I still loved my son hit me. It was safe to love him now I thought. Therefore, I finally allowed myself the luxury of loving him, and came out of the denial I had used as a crutch for so many years.

I suddenly was thrilled at the thought of talking to my son, and maybe even having the chance to meet him. I had never imagined that it would be possible to find him, and now, I leapt at the chance to be in touch with him.

The fear no longer controlled me, I knew I had to... more

“My son is searching for me?”, I did not say that out loud, but, as my brain was racing and trying to process what I had just heard, that is what I was thinking. “Is it really possible?” was my next thought.

Certainly, I knew that adoption reunions happened these days once in a while. However, I still believed that they were extremely rare. I actually did not think about it much as I was so deeply dedicated to protecting my secret. Thinking about my relinquished son was something I avoided as much as I could.

When I thought of his adoption,... more

Five years ago tonight, I received the most life-altering phone call of my lifetime. That call was from a stranger named Sara. Just as I walked in the back door after work, my husband shoved the phone in my hand and said, "It's for you." I can't tell you why, but, there was an immediate sense of foreboding as I took the phone. From the moment he handed me the phone, I felt an uneasy sense of something out of the ordinary.

The phone call was from a social worker at the agency that handled my son's adoption - nearly 32 years earlier. Sara was a soft-spoken woman with a gentle... more

Reunion is often a consuming experience for triad members. Often we have been separated from our child or birth mother for 20+ years or more, so, it is entirely understandable that reunion is a profound experience for us. Our friends and families may comment that we seem totally absorbed with this new person in our life.

We may talk about our new found birth family member non-stop. If the person that we are reunited with doesn't call or email often enough, we may seem to overreact. Every word that other person utters may be analyzed for hidden meanings. In short, we may seem obsessed... more

The feelings I had experienced during the next month are hard to describe. I felt sad thinking about how my natural mother suffered the loss of a child in her life. I was devastated that through others she was the kind of person she was and not as I had imagined her. I grieved about the kind of life she and I could have but did not have. I was frustrated and upset knowing I would never find the answers to the questions still unanswered. I grieved for my adoptive parents and the pain that I may have caused her by searching and reuniting with my... more

The five stages of reunion healing go hand in hand with the five stages of grief.

I had searched for my natural family for 2 years before I found a grave. It was a bitter sweet time for me. I felt relief as I found my natural mother after my long and frustrating search. After standing at her grave on that cold winter day I tried to resume to my life as if nothing had happened at all. There were some powerful emotions brewing inside me during this time. It is this time period that I was denying that I had found a grave and denied that... more

Adoption is sometimes the right choice for a woman in a crisis pregnancy. Parenting is the right choice sometimes too. For some women, abortion may be their right choice, whether you believe in it yourself. It is presumptuous to tell a woman that her decision was right or wrong. You cannot possibly know that.

No one can know for certain, and she may or may not believe that she should have parented her child. Telling her that you believe that she made the right choice by choosing adoption may insinuate that you believe she was never meant to be a mother. It could... more

If there is one phrase certain to irritate many birth mothers more than any other, it has to be "You did the right thing." This particular comment first surfaces when a woman in a crisis pregnancy is considering adoption. Some people felt quite confident in telling a woman at that point that she is "doing the right thing". They may know almost nothing about her, and yet they are convinced adoption is the best solution for her.

Later, after a woman has made the decision to relinquish, more praise comes her way for "doing the right thing". In some people's minds,... more

The previous blog in this series gives you a pretty good idea what to say when making initial contact via phone but what if they say this is not a good time to talk. You should ask for a more convenient time when you can call back. Don’t wait for them to suggest a time, but ask if tomorrow morning or tomorrow night would be better. You should give them some options so that they are in control of the situation but make your intent to call back perfectly clear.

In case of an immediate positive response you may want to have ready a list of questions. You may... more

As I have said before there are no rules or guidebooks for first contact. However, there are things that others have done in the past that have seem to have worked for many who chose to make first contact via a phone call.

You always want to be polite. You are going to feel scared to death and think you can’t do this but you can. After dialing the number you want to ask for the person you are seeking and make sure you have the right party. You then want to identify yourself by name, and state you location some like. My name is Karen and I live in PA. You... more