One of the challenges of reunion is figuring how each other fits into your life. In any relationship communication is important and that also goes for those who are in reunion. It is important to touch base with one another even if you need space, or to pace yourself. There is a need to have an understanding of frequency of communication. It is so important to not only be ware of your own feelings but also the feelings of the other person. Without touching base, the other person is left guessing, perceptions, and assumptions that can effect the relationship.... more

Many adoptees go into reunion not expecting the experience to be as earth-shattering as it sometimes turns out to be for them. As birth parents, there are a number of ways that we can help make the process less chaotic and less stressful for our children. Here are a few:

1) Follow the pace that is most comfortable for your adult children. Often it is said that whoever instigates a search needs to allow the "found" person to set the pace. Sometimes this does make sense as the found person has generally not had time to prepare for or process the whole reunion... more

Most people probably understand that at reunion, healing often begins for birth parents. Healing and resolution also occurs for adoptees at reunion as well. I have spoken to many adoptees in the process of reunion, and heard the laments of those in difficult and unsatisfying reunions. What separates adoptees who find reunion a positive experience from those who find it a mostly frustrating experience?

Several factors are involved in the level of healing that adoptees can accomplish at reunion. Of course, they have to heal themselves; no one can heal for someone else. However, I believe... more

"I never remember a time when I didn't know that I was adopted," he said next. "That's good", I told him, "that's how it is supposed to be." Sitting next to my son on the log, with the cool breeze blowing was heavenly for me. I could not imagine anything better.

I sat quietly part of the time, just relishing making this memory with my son. Words were unnecessary, just being together was enough. Memories are not plentiful for us, and it is important to me that we create some good ones together. Mothers and sons should have some recollections... more

After a pleasant and chatty lunch, we head off to a park that is popular with kite-boarders. He wanted to check and see if there was enough wind for any of his kite-boarding buddies to be out on the water. The wind was perfection, so, one young man with his kite was just heading out to the water as we arrived. Several more launched as we watched.

We walked down the steps to the beach and then plunked ourselves down to rest on a long thick log strewn across the sand. As we sat there watching, Chris watched enviously as his friends... more

Mother and son - yes and no. In some ways, I feel strongly like his mother - in my heart I am. I should say, I feel like one of his mothers. Never do I forget that he has another mother as well. In other respects, it seems more as though I am a fraud, not really his mother, just pretending.

I signed papers saying that I was giving up the right to be his mother. I never did all those traditional mom acts - watching his first step, changing diapers, etc. I am proud of him as a mother is though, and happy to be with him.

As... more

Trips to Seattle are a regular part of my life now, and I hope now that they always will be! Although for years I hated the thought of the City because it reminded me of the saddest event of my life (losing my son to adoption), I now love the area. My son, Chris is there, and I spend time with and get to know him in the City. I can enjoy Seattle for the beautiful city that it really is, and love it because my son is there.

Chris grew up close to Seattle with his adoptive family. Therefore, he spent much of his childhood outdoors in... more

.........When an Open Adoption was Closed?

There is so much talk about honesty at reunion. Should a birth mother tell her child that she wanted and expected contact, but that she was denied contact? Do the adoptive parents expect that she will not tell? Is it reasonable to believe that she will not? How will this affect the child's relationships with their adoptive parents? Should the birth mother care about that? Is a better course of action to omit this bit of information at reunion?

I think if I were in such a situation, I could... more

.........When an Open Adoption was Closed?

A few birth moms that I know relinquished children to adoptions that were supposed to be open. Somewhere along the line, the adoptive parents decided to abruptly close the adoption. One birth mom that I know found out in a cold, harsh manner through the adoption agency.

The adoptive parents sent the agency a letter and said that they had changed their minds, and had decided that it would be too confusing and too difficult to allow contact. They said they felt that it would be better for... more

You know my response to the social worker if you have been reading much of my blog. Had I responded differently, I wouldn’t be here blogging about search and reunion. I wouldn’t be one of the staunchest advocates for search and reunion on the face of the planet.

Most importantly though, I would not know the joys of having a relationship with my oldest son. If I had said, “No” to Sara, the social worker, I would still be deeply wedged into that safe, but uncomfortable, birth mother closet of denial.

Had I said, “No”, I would not know my... more