I hear a lot of "victimhood and woe is me" in your writing-whose's choice is it to place and whose responsibiltity is it when the adoption is complete? Not society or adoption parents are at fault-IMO it's the bfamily.

The recent reader comment mentioned that she detected a “woe is me” and victim-type attitude in my writing. I did not respond to her comment as I decided that I needed to ponder a response for awhile. I also realized that I probably could not give a two-line response. Brief answers are not something that... more

A negative response when contact is first sought is often not the last word. For birth mothers, once they process a request for contact,gain some courage and strength, they often do change their minds. Adoptees often may need some time to process and decide if they want contact.

From what I have learned about the make-up of many birth mothers, those who refuse contact probably so do because they are afraid to deal with their issues. They are afraid to tell others, afraid of rejection, afraid that reunion will be too difficult; there... more

Reader comments are so helpful whether they are positive or negative. One of the reasons I like to receive them is because they often spark deeper conversations about various subjects. They also help me to understand when there is a need for more education about a particular subject.

The last comment in this http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/wraith-explains-it-well post has several issues that I would like to talk about.

It... more

These past few years I have become so much stronger. I know that I can and will handle whatever does happen in both my reunion and in the rest of my life. However, I also know that I love my son so much that it nearly takes my breath away at times when I ponder losing him again. Not a wise move to let my thoughts dwell long on losing him.

I have become accustomed to our warm friendship. I look forward to our chats, visits and our connection. It will break my heart – again - if he decides not to continue our relationship. As much as I tell myself... more

For the past 5 years, Chris has always acknowledged my birthday in some way. Generally it is with a phone call or a card. Last year, he was here and gave me a present. I always call him on his birthday and send a card and gift. This is all background info.

When I called him on his birthday this year, I got his voice mail – hardly surprising. He is busier than any three people that I know. People often ask me how I find the time to do all that I do. Being 22 years younger than I am, Chris lives at an even more frenetic pace than I do.

When... more

On Sept 9, my son's birthday, I talked about my extraordinary son, how proud I am of him and how pleased that he exists. I was feeling settled with our reunion, grateful for what we have.

Then, a day later, I had a meltdown. What to do, I thought in the midst of the tears streaming down my face? Do I pretend all is well, and just keeping on blogging about the usual stuff?

Next, I thought some more and recalled that we have had other blogger meltdowns. Chronicling our meltdowns gives a more accurate portrayal of our lives, for me that... more

In the letter to my son's other mother, which I referred to at the end of part 1,I told her what an amazing job she had done raising our son. I spoke of Chris being all that any mother could ever wish for in a son. She called it a beautiful letter - I wanted it to be. The more time that I spend with Chris, the more convinced I am that he is a most extraordinary young man, just as my other son is.

It is an interesting experience getting to know a child that... more

Today is my son, Chris' birthday. I can joyfully celebrate his birthdays now that he is back in my life. It feels so natural and right to finally be able to appreciate and consider the day he was born as an occasion to celebrate.

Birthdays, particularly those of my children, often make me nostalgic. As my son Chris' birthday has loomed closer, my thoughts have drifted to our last visit nearly a month ago. We sat by the water on a log for hours just chatting. As we watched, kite boarders leapt from the water in front of us up into the air. For me,... more

Adoption is a multi-dimensional experience with aspects, good, bad and somewhere in between. It is inevitable at times to get mired in the complicated issues that adoption may present to us. Nowhere is this more applicable than at reunion.

There are issues to work on at reunion generally for both parties. For birth parents, it is common for them to be grieving their loss during reunion. Either they did not grieve enough initially or at all for various reasons. Our society has only recently even acknowledged that loss is present for birth parents and adoptees. Most birth... more

To build a reunion relationship, you need to proceed slowly. When I spoke to my son on the phone that first time, we had a warm and congenial conversation. The words came easily for us. I think that he would agree.

Because our first contact was so positive, I was very enthusiastic and ready to shift into high gear with our relationship. I wanted closeness and a connection right away. Although I felt a connection immediately, it takes time to build a relationship, even when the two people are related. Those years apart is a barrier of sorts.

When... more