What kind of a baggage do birth mothers carry at reunion? Some are burdened more than others. It depends on the personality of the birth mother, her experiences and her ability to deal with loss. What do adoptess generally expect? An adoptee recently commented that after discovering how affected some birth parents are affected by adoption, he was questioning his desire to search. Since I devote a great deal of time and energy singing the praises of reunion, I found that comment somewhat disheartening. It made me ponder what most adoptees... more

Part 1 ended up focusing more on what birth parents at reunion are not entitled to receive, rather than what they are. However, I think it is important to know both.

As for a relationship after being found, that is something that you cannot legislate. Although I encourage at least one meeting between the parties, you cannot force a relationship. If an adoptee or birth parent who is found refuses to form a relationship, you cannot force them to connect with each other. It is helpful to realize that a relationship is a privilege, and not a... more

There is a great deal of talk about how birth parents deserve their privacy and are entitled to refuse contact if they wish to do so. However, I find it interesting who normally makes those kinds of remarks. Birth parents rarely do. Generally, adoption social workers tend or those adoptive parents opposed to open records often voice their opinions on what birth parents want. Once in a while, a birth parent will agree that they are entitled to their privacy. However, most birth parents that I know believe saying that they need... more

Shortly after reunion, I put together a very simple family tree booklet on the computer for my son Chris and then printed it out and stuck it in a simple binder. It includes family photos of grandparents, great grandparents, cousins, etc.

There are a few newspaper articles about family as well. One of my grandmothers was a super healthy, spunky lady who lived a long full life and a local newspaper did a feature article about her when she was 92 years old. The article about her is included in the booklet. He seemed to really enjoy this gesture,... more

A discussion recently at the CubAll List set me to thinking about what adoptees want from their birth parents at reunion. I am referring specifically to tangible inheritances, acknowledgements in family obituaries and Grandma’s China. What one adoptee might want or need could be radically different from another. I found that out myself from my own personal experiences with my son.

The cub-all list provides a gathering place for all of us to connect with... more

Often reunion is described as a roller coaster ride. For many of us who have experienced reunion, it does seem to be an accurate description, particularly in the initial stages. There may be high excitement, then a deep plunge downward that may be hard to handle. Like a roller coaster ride, reunion can be exciting, scary and yes, have very definite highs and lows.

If you tend to be someone who is used to a sedate and calm life, you will need to hold on tight and expect life to be different for awhile. There's no way around it for most people in reunion. That... more

My husband and I were staying in a cottage nearby and had driven over to check out the town the day before. Checking the town out the day before our meeting was a really good idea, as that first time in the town that my son grew up in was an unexpected and extremely emotional experience. I was surprised at how difficult it was for me.

Time was passing and it was time to pick up the roses. They looked great and I was ready to find her house. It was then I discovered that I had left the directions back at the cottage. I wanted to panic and cry, yet... more

Since my son's other mother(his adoptive mom) lives several states away, we have only met once so far. Our first meeting took place 2-3 years ago. The details of our meeting are vivid in my mind.

Although I appeared calm, inside I was a wreck on the day of our visit. I wanted to meet her alone, so we agreed that I would drive to her home and then walk into town for lunch. The thought of seeing her with our son was not something I was ready to face yet; I thought it would wound me to the core. I knew that they were close and I felt that seeing their... more

Later on that night Nolberta called me and said that her husband and kids were excited to meet me. A week later I met her husband and my two brothers. I didn’t get to meet my sister because she lives in Montana at the time. One thing I noticed was a lot of young children living in her home. Later that night we spoke on the phone and I asked her who all those children were. She stated that they all were her foster children and that they were foster parents for at least 25 years. She said she was paying God back for what she did 38 years ago by giving me up for... more

Meanwhile my adopted mother found out she had breast cancer so the guilt started to dig deep into my heat. I thought how I could keep going on with the search. So I decided to keep looking. 6 months past and we narrowed my birthmother’s maiden name to three woman and three addresses. One of them was in San Jose where I worked, so one day I was delivering concrete and saw her address so I pulled over and knocked at the door and asked if they ordered concrete. The person that answered the door was my brother but I didn’t know at the time. Three weeks passed... more