In a way, that statement is like saying "all that I have learned about people." Adoptees are no more all alike than all birth parents are the same. I know that sometimes adoptees resent being all lumped together just like birth parents often do, and I cannot say that I blame them. One of the most important facts that I have learned is that adoptees have many different feelings about adoption.

However, like birth parents, adoptees do share some feelings in common. We tend to want to believe that like birth parents, adoptees are either angry or... more

If you have read much about adoption practices during the 60's and 70's, you might be familiar with the concept of wage homes. Maternity homes were so crowded with young pregnant women during the 60's and 70's that there was often a waiting list before a young women could get into a home.

Often women spent time during their pregnancy at a wage home first, and then entered the maternity home for only the last two months or so. Wage homes... more

For adoptees from the closed adoption era, there are several ways to learn about what your birth mother's experience might have been like. One of the best ways is to meet and hear stories from other birth mothers from that era. Reading about the era can provide you with insights as well. Chatting on forums like Adoption.com can help as well.

One purpose of learning about birth mothers is to understand how her experience has shaped her. It could offer some idea of how she felt about the child that she relinquished and her reasons for the adoption.... more

Birth parents sometimes complain when the kind of relationship they want doesn’t happen quickly. They may wish for more appreciation of gifts. More contact might be an issue as well. Many issues crop up and have the potential to cause problems. There are disappointments when reunion relationships do not meet expectations.

Sometimes I believe adoptees test birth parents to see how long they will hang in there and keep working on the relationship. They might push buttons thinking that birth parents won’t stick around anyway. Whether intentional or... more

There are some who may find that they are preoccupied with their natural parent or son/daughter that they need to be sure not to shut out those people who have been supportive and encouraged them and are part of their lives.

It is common for triad members in reunion to want to touch, spend time together, talk and share. This is part of the bonding process which is what was cut off at the time of relinquishment and is often referred to as genetic attraction. We have talked about genetic sexual attraction where these strong emotions... more

Triad members are often amazed at the similarities that they share between them or the opposite can happen where they are very different with little common ground. The adoptee may physically resemble the natural parent. This can be something that is very important to the adoptee. Often times this is the first family connection that they meet that has a physical resemblance.

All involved in reunion bring with them their own personal fantasies about the other person and expectations. The reunion can go better than expected or... more

When your relinquished children at reunion ends up living thousands of miles away from you, most of your contact may end up being via the telephone. Depending on your personality, this might work well for you or be less than satisfying. Although many of us keep in touch via email, I love hearing both of my son's voices on the phone.

One universal truth I have discovered is that nearly all birth mothers want more contact than their children. There are rare exceptions. Sometimes adoptees want more contact, but that seems to be less common. When many miles separate... more

At some point in your communications you will both likely reach a point where you feel that you would like to meet in person. This could be soon after the initial contact or it may be several years later. Everyone is different and some even prefer to meet without the initial exchange of written information. Some also may decide not to go as far as a meeting and stop at the exchange of letters. If an intermediary is involved he or she can provide support and discuss what is happening in the reunion and the direction it is or may take.

Some prefer... more

At various times when I have been helping an adoptee search for his or her natural mother. The person who we believe is the natural mother has been located and often times I am asked to make the initial phone call.

Every time I am asked this my initial or first thought is to say no but in a majority of the cases I have communicated enough with the adoptee to know that they are just incredibly nervous.

So, what I have done for these circumstances is created a way for me to show how these phone conversations are handled. The idea is to find the... more

If you read a post of mine on any given day, you might believe that I am stuck, and angry. Read another day, and you will find that is not the case. Although I have angry moments, I use those to fuel my fires and give me the incentive to keep working to change some bad adoption practices, and faulty counseling for pregnant women.

Although adoption continues to tinge my life with sadness, I embrace life and lead a full and rich life. In my day to day life, I have made some peace with my adoption loss, and it no longer prevents me from a measure... more