Recently, I learned about an interesting phenomenon that some adoptees experience at reunion. While I had vaguely heard mention of this occurrence, I did not realize how significant an issue it can be for some adopteees. It involves mourning the loss of the fantasy birth mother that they may have imagined most of their lives.

At reunion, when they meet their birth mothers, rarely is the women that they encounter exactly what they expected. Apparently, this discovery causes some adoptees to mourn their loss. The loss is not one based on losing a person, but instead a... more

Many of you probably can imagine some of the ideas I used to hold about adoption. A few of you probably still fervently believe some of the same things that I used to believe. You know - stuff like birth mothers forgetting and moving on with their lives - not holding their babies because it would make it harder for them later -ideas along those lines.

Domestic newborn adoption is the area that I feel needs the most reform, so, I focus on that area of adoption most often. Many of the "old" ideas still abound in newborn adoptions. My views on both pre-birth matching and adoptive parents... more

There are times that I become impatient when I hear opinions about adoption that I now consider undated and false. However, I try to catch myself and remember that I was guilty of believing most of the inaccurate and totally false ideas about adoption myself. When my son found me, all I knew about reunion, other than having relinquished a child myself, I learned from the media. And that wasn't much!

Since I was so mired in denial prior to reunion, I never sought out any information about adoption. Therefore, at the time I was found, I had not read a single adoption book,... more

Our daughter was born a few months before my 17th birthday. (Here's Part 1 and Part 2 of this story.) The subject of adoption never came up. We had married and were excited and happy to become parents. I was probably more thrilled than my husband, but, he seemed ready to become a husband and father. He was a bit older than I was - nearly 22.

My daughter's reluctant paternal grandmother had a complete change... more

Sixteen years old, unmarried and pregnant. Over 40 years ago, the options were limited for a young woman in that "condition". Marriage, a back-room illegal abortion or adoption were the most popular choices. Single mothers were rare. There was only one choice in my mind though.

Not everyone was too happy about our marriage plans though even knowing a baby was on the way. My future mother-in-law even paid a visit to me imploring me to reconsider our marriage plans. She was concerned about our marriage ruining her only son's career. He was just about to enter medical school.... more

Recently, my adored 7-year old granddaughter called and asked if she could come over the next day. I get busy and sometimes think it is time for a dose of my lively granddaughter, but, do not act on my impulse. Just lately, she has begun to call me and invite herself over. I'm so glad that she does.

A phone call from her always delights me, and I feel honored that she enjoys her Gram enough to want to spend time with me. She lives only 15-20 minutes away, so, the distance makes visits easy and often.

The last time she was over a few weeks ago, we did some gardening... more

I strongly believe that a successful reunion is based on four preparation steps before contact is made. These steps apply to all triad members who are searching.

The first one is: Give up “The Fantasy”. Let go of the image you have of the person you are searching for. No one can live in a fantasy world especially someone who is riding the reunion rollercoaster. The person searching should be ready to accept the person they find because of who they are. The reality is that they are probably not who you fantasized about.

The second thing is: Decide... more

Another reason comparing your reunion with others is a bad idea is that you can probably always find someone whose situation may have some elements that might be better than yours. However, you do not know their whole story, so, it is hard to adequately judge their relationships. Plus, you can always find some reunions not nearly as good as yours probably as well. Do yourself a favor. Try your hardest to savor each second of your reunion relationship. Consider your time spent with your birth family member as a gift that many people are denied. Instead of trying to rate your... more

For adoptees, reunion can resolve many unanswered questions as it does for birth family. I believe that for adoptees the need to find information is often as significant as the need to reconnect. Some adoptees say that the “need to know” is more important than the desire to seek a relationship.

There are other adoptees who feel certain that they want only information, and not a relationship. I think it is premature to decide whether you want contact and/or a possible relationship unless you take the risk and meet your birth family member.

I feel sorry for those... more

On December 23rd the mail man arrived and as I was going through the mail saw a card that I didn’t know who it was from. It was addressed to me with my maiden name and then in parenthesis my married name with another set of parenthesis that contained “sorry”. There was no return address on the card so of course the way the envelope was addressed peaked my curiosity and I opened it immediately. I was in a state of dismay when I saw that it was from my natural sister.

She addressed the inside of the card to my husband and me. The contents of the note was mostly... more