The most powerful way to make contact is between the people involved in the relinquishment and adoption. A third party contact the person you are looking for is not generally the best way to start a relationship. It is also not wise to contact other relatives first in the hopes that they may tell you where your natural parents are living or where the adoptee is living. Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing relative could jeopardize your reunion. If you choose to have someone assist you in making contact make sure that he or she is aware of what contact... more

Some question whether or not they should write a letter to make first contact. A letter is less threatening to people. It gives them time to think about their response and to work through their feelings. It allows the person who has been located to take the time they need to make a decision regarding contact and to think about reconnecting with natural family members. It may make a difference between limited contact and no contact at all.

Another positive is that writing a letter gives the person found some control over what happens when. Some feel that a letter... more

When I found out that my son wanted to know me, I joyfully embraced the opportunity. I offered him my heart. It was all so confusing in those early days; I was so uncertain as to the "protocol" for reunion. At times I would read about reunion and think, "Aha, this is what he wants." Sometimes it worked, other times, I discovered my son did not necessarily want or need what some book or other adoptee might want.

However, offering him unconditional love seemed a safe bet. He could accept it, fight it, be ambivalent about whether he wanted it or not, run from it or reject me for... more

Recently I wrote about ways to support a birth mom at reunion. However, if you are an adoptee with a birth mom in reunion, it is not your job to "fix" her. Take care of yourself and let her do the same. I know that you may want to help her, but, it is not your responsibility to heal her. Only she can do that.

She needs to deal with her issues on her own, in a support group and/or with an adoption therapist. Do not feel guilty for having found her - it is a good thing. Even if she struggles in the beginning of reunion, your finding her was the right thing to do. For many... more

6. Understand that reunion is between a birth mother and her child. It is inappropriate to attempt to make her feel guilty as though by reconnecting with her child, she is somehow usurping the adoptive parents’ role or being unfair or cruel to them.

Reunion is not all about the adoptive parents, and they should not be the main focus. It is most likely that she knows that reunion may pose some uncomfortable times for the adoptive parents. She is probably quite sensitive to their feelings. The last thing she needs is for her friends and... more

No one has perfect words to offer to a birth mom at reunion. There are none. I blogged awhile back about . "What Not to Say to a Reunited Birth Mom." Here are a few suggestions that might be better received and more helpful to a birth mom in reunion.

1. “That must have been very difficult for you.” When I told a few people after reunion that I had surrendered a son to adoption, some people very simply let me know that they imagined... more

The second option of first contact is via letter. The issue I see with writing a letter is there is an agonizing wait for a reply. There is no instant gratification but if you choose this option you should keep the following in mind:

1) Send the letter certified and registered, return receipt requested, requiring only the signature and ID of the person you intend the letter to be for. You should make sure it says “Forwarding Address Requested” so you can find out where they moved if they have moved within the past year. By sending the letter this way, you are protecting the... more

When the search is completed, you will be faced with the conflicting question of how to make contact with the person you have been searching for. You have all the information and you are pretty sure this is the person you are searching for. Making first contact can be one of the scariest things you will ever do in your life.

The choice you decide on for making first contact is a personal decision and you have to do what feels right for you. Unfortunately, there is no life manual with a chapter in contacting birth family to ensure you are successful. There is no... more

Part 1 ended as I listened to the answer machine message of my friend D.'s potential birth dad. The message mentioned that if you were calling regarding dog rescue, blah, blah, blah......So, I goggled "dog rescue" and the town of this potential birth dad. Voilà, their address popped up on a website for dog rescues!

Call me strange, but, this seemed a very hopeful sign. I forwarded the link on to D. and told her that I had a good hunch about this man being... more

I think it is natural for adoptive parents to have strong conflicting emotions even if they are supportive of their child and sympathize with their need to search for a birth parent. However, for the adoptee, the longing in their spirit is to become peaceful and have a new understanding.

Even though adoptive parents were supportive in the search, when the search is completed they may experience some strong conflicting emotions. They may become fearful and angry; they may also feel sorrow, jealousy, betrayal, guilt and a sense of failure. These feelings may be tangled... more