In some reunions, there is an instant and immediate connection. The other party may seem somewhat familiar. There may seem to be many common interests between the two parties, and often many similarities in personalities. The more like minded the two parties are, the greater the probability that they may feel an instant connection.

Sometimes the two parties seem nothing alike. The person that they meet at reunion seems like a stranger, an alien. Nearly every belief that they have may be in opposition to the other party's beliefs.

In... more

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Motherhood does not generally come easy for mothers of adoption, whether they are birth or adoptive mothers. Birth mothers have a keen sense of the strength of the bond that exists between them and their relinquished children. Sometimes I wonder if most birth mothers would ever have placed their children for adoption had they realized how connected they would always... more

Whether your adult child at reunion articulates the need or not, they probably can benefit from unconditional love from you.

However, I will begin with a warning to proceed slowly and cautiously. Providing unconditional love to your child may be scary for them and overwhelm them.

In How to Support Your Child at Reunion I mentioned that unconditional love is one essential way to support your child at reunion. ... more

When there is a reunion between a birth parent and their child (adult or not), a child might need certain things from their parent. They may be able to articulate what they want or need. It is possible that they have some clear and concise gaps that they hope that their parents can fill in for them.

These gaps might be as simple as answering questions, or they could be more complex. There might be some specific emotional voids that they expect their birth parents to fill. The possibilities are numerous. However,... more

This article by Marlou Russell addresses some typical search and reunion issues.

Marlou Russell, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and MFCC in private practice in Santa Monica, California where she specializes in adoption issues, and is the author of Adoption Wisdom.

If you are not familiar with Marlou Russell, I recommend her highly. Although she is helpful to all triad members, she particularly has a great deal of... more

At the beginning of reunion, I wondered how much my son would want to be in touch on holidays. I tried to keep my expectations low. However, once your child comes back into your life at reunion,you may be tempted to expect them to fit neatly into your life just like your other children.

However, if you are being realistic, you know that the child that you did not raise will never quite feel like your child as your other children do. You may feel like his or her mother, but your relinquished child will rarely feel like you are their parent. That is natural and... more

Many birth parents enter reunion clueless about how adoptees feel. Of course, this is somewhat unavoidable if they are not expecting a reunion but are found by their children. However, if you really want to build a relationship that suceeds, I suggest a crash course in learning about adoption and adoptees.

When my reunion first began, my son told me that he was reading a book that was mainly about birthmothers. That told me a great deal about his sincere interest in wanting to know me, and to understand me. I immediately purchased the same book,... more

Ah, yes, "expectations" can land you in a pickle all too often! Expectations are inevitable, but, unrealistic expectations can be problematic. I have heard many adoptees and reunited birth parents complaining about not getting appropriate responses to gifts.

In fact, it annoys some people so much, they may decide to stop sending gifts at all. In most instances, I question the wisdom of that approach. Suddenly withholding gifts because you do not receive what you perceive is the proper response could trigger negative reactions that might seriously... more

During reunion, you might feel as though your relationship has strayed from its course and you could be feeling a bit lost. Your birth parent or child may not call or email as often as they once did. Phone calls might become shorter, as well as less frequent, when they do happen. Maybe, you suspect that you have done something to upset the other person. Both parties may fear that the other person will leave again.

Birth moms often might assume that they have done something to cause their child to pull back or retreat. An adoptee could feel similarly.... more

2) For other adoptees, adoption is a major lifelong issue for them. They struggle with not knowing their roots. Issues of abandonment, trust and identity may be common within this group. Like some birth parents, their adoptive status seems to affect every decision they make, and is often on their minds. Adoptees in this group feel a keen sense of the loss of their heritage and roots. How they were raised does not seem pertinent as to whether adoption is a huge issue for them or not. Many adoptees that I know who have wonderful adoptive families still... more